Breaking The Chains of Shame

June – August 2025

Mental Health

“I’m a failure.” 

“I’m unlovable.” 

“I don’t deserve to be happy.” 

“I’m defective.” 

 

These are some of the repeating thoughts and self-beliefs of a person suffering from toxic shame. Children who grow up in dysfunctional homes, who have been physically, emotionally or sexually abused, or who were subject to constant belittling, criticism and even neglect often internalise the messages sent by their caregivers and see themselves as unloved, unworthy, inferior or even adequate. A deep sense of shame permeates them as they believe there is something very wrong about them. Their self-esteem plummets.  

To cope with this isolating pain, some may become perfectionists, constantly having to prove to the world and themselves that they are worthy, that they are deserving of love, acceptance and belonging. Others may resort to various fawning and people-pleasing ways to derive a sense of self-worth, basing their happiness on other people’s view and acceptance of them. Those with a low self-esteem may end up having a superiority complex and talk down to people, or they may idealize others as they feel so lowly about themselves.  

Whatever form shame takes, it leads to a lot of self-sabotaging behaviours as the person feels he is unworthy of success or love. While guilt is an emotion produced when we are aware that our behaviour is wrong, shame comes about when we believe there is something wrong with us. Guilt can motivate us to correct our behaviour, but shame just makes us want to hide and separate from others and even parts of ourselves.  

Some people turn to drugs, alcohol or other destructive behaviours to numb this debilitating pain. Others develop depression and other mental illnesses. Research has shown there is a strong correlation between shame and the presence of mental illnesses and addictions. Shame may also prevent people grappling with a mental illness or an addiction from seeking help, keeping them stuck in a vicious cycle. It can also affect an addict’s recovery journey as he comes to face the truth of what he has done.  

While all this sounds dire, there is a way to heal from toxic shame. It may not be an easy journey, but the rewards are well worth it.  

Here are some tips to help you heal from shame: 

1. Recognise and be aware of how shame is affecting you.
2. Be kind to yourself. Accept yourself as you are. Pay attention to and call yourself out for your negative self-talk. Write them down in a journal and challenge those beliefs. Write down your new truths and use them as positive affirmations.  
3. Find a safe space. Surround yourself with people who have walked this path and will support you in your recovery journey. Whether they are your family members, friends or fellows from a 12-step group, their acceptance and empathy will go a long way when you are vulnerable before them.  
4. See a counsellor or psychotherapist who can help you process your experiences and emotions and help you see the beautiful truth about yourself.  

 

As a recovering perfectionist, codependent and addict, I only began to understand shame and its power in my life when I listened to a TED Talk by Renee Brown. In my 12-step group, I chose to “give away” my first step to my home group — a group of women who had known and journeyed with me for seven months. I shared the worst I had done, the powerlessness I felt and the unmanageability of my life. I wanted to be done away with the shame that was holding me back from so much. These women listened as I shared and did not judge. They showered me with their love, acceptance and empathy. By the end of the meeting, I felt a thousand pounds lighter. I was no longer held down by the shackles of shame that had chained me for so long. At last, I could face myself and the world.  

 

By Ann, a recovering person who first came to WE CARE in February 2024.