We Care Community Services & The WE Centre for Addictions Recovery & Education

As a condition, sexual addiction has been around as far as we have recorded history. However, it has only been in the last few decades that we have better understood the problem and have been able to develop treatment programmes.Starting in the late 1970’s a psychologist and researcher, Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., was instrumental in the initial identification and treatment of sexual addiction as a condition. He is also responsible for getting accurate information about it into the hands of professionals and the public through numerous lectures and educational TV appearances, and the Internet. Among the books he has written on the subject are Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, and Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction, which are excellent sources for learning in more detail about sexual addiction.Dr. Carnes describes how sexually addicted individuals have become addicted to the neuro-chemical changes that take place in the brain during sexual behavior, much as a drug addict becomes hooked on the effects of smoking “crack” cocaine or “shooting” heroin. As Carnes states, “Contrary to enjoying sex as a self-affirming source of physical pleasure, the sex addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort from pain, for nurturing or relief from stress,” comparable to the alcoholic’s purposeful use of alcohol.Based on a 10-year research study of 1500 sexual addicts, Carnes has estimated that about 8% of the total population of men in the US are sexually addicted, and about 3% of women. That translates into over 15 million people who suffer from this problem. In the two decades since Dr. Carnes’ first book, a lot is now known about sexual addiction. Many others are dispensing information through books, videos, TV, and the internet and slowly specialized help for those who suffer from this condition is growing. However, the general public, the media, and treatment professionals are often still uneducated or misinformed. Some Characteristics of Sex AddictionThe sex is shameful. The addict feels shame about what he or she is doing, or  has done, usually immediately after engaging in sex acts that violate some of the person’s standards. Or the shame may be denied by calling it normal for “a real man,” or by focusing on others: “She wanted it,” or by engaging in it again right away so the shame is exchanged for pleasure. Thus a married man may feel remorse after having sex with his best friend’s wife, rationalize that his friend wasn’t sexually satisfying her, and avoid going to bed with his own wife afterward by staying up and masturbating while watching a pornographic DVDThe sex is secret. The sex addict more and more comes to live a double life–perhaps well-known, respected and admired in his visible life but secretly engaging  in sexual acts that would be shocking to those who know and love him. So a sexually addicted minister could be revered on Sunday for preaching on the sinfulness of adultery and fornication and then engage in those behaviors himself at a brothel or massage parlour on Monday afternoon, having lied about his whereabouts. Or a gay man might tell his relationship partner that he is going to visit a friend but goes to a park to cruise for anonymous sex instead.The sexual behavior is abusive. It violates someone else’s choice or exceeds their understanding. There is the man who manipulates or coerces his date into being sexual with him; the woman in a partially unbuttoned blouse who bends down toward an unsuspecting male coworker and “accidentally” exposes herself; or the man who seeks out crowded shopping malls so he can meander among the throng to molest a victim. Or adult men and women who manipulate the trust of children and abuse their power over them by tricking them into performing sexual acts with them.  The sex may also be abusive to the sex addict him or herself, such as masturbating to the point of physical injury or cutting or pinching oneself for sexual arousal.